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In which we discuss what the eff just happened in the ninth episode of Season 3. Don’t forget to leave your thoughts in the comments.

Spoilers within. Obviously.

“It’s a nice day for a Red Wedding.”

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Gottt DAYAMN! Talk about gut-wrenching, am I right? As someone who’s never read the books, last night’s episode totally caught me off guard, but I can’t say I was surprised. George R.R. Martin is why we can’t have nice things.

Let’s start with the minor (i.e. not depressing) stuff.

So it turns out Bran Stark isn’t your average animal-possessing Warg. Dude can straight up possess human beings when they’re freaking out in thunderstorms. Then he decided to ditch his little brother that everyone forgets about and set out on his own quest or whatever. Oh, and how badass was it when he possessed the wolf and saw his brother! Speaking of…

How the balls did the Wildlings think they stood a chance at accomplishing… well, ANYTHING on the other side of the wall. They lost just about all of their dudes trying to climb the damned thing, and now they expect to take down a kingdom with, like, 20 guys. Freaking Wildlings, man. And why was there only about six of them when John Snow escaped? What happened to the other handful that jumped over that farmer’s wall? And just where the hell does John think he’s running off to, anyway?

And then there’s Daenerys. Bitch is NOT fucking around. She will take your ships, your army, and your whole goddamn city. Get it, girl! Idunno… I still don’t trust that new guy. He’s like a scrawny version of Khal Drogo, but all romantic and such. Dude needs to lift some weights if he wants to hit it though. Khaleesi needs a REAL man.

And then some serious shit went down. Some serious Red Wedding shit. Not only did Robb Stark find out that if he’d kept his oath with Walder Frey, he would have married a hard 10 hottie, compared to his 7, possibly 8 – bride. (Real talk: she kind of looks like a cross between Jennifer Love Hewitt and Adam Sandler. Bangin’ body, though.)

Your king says he betrayed me for love? I say he betrayed me for firm tits and a tight fit. I can respect that.
— Lord Frey

Oh, and if Robb would have kept his word, he’d also be, you know… alive and stuff. Yeah, pretty much all the Stark bannermen ate shit pretty hard, and it was tough as poo to watch. Especially the pregnant belly-stabbing of his wife.

The whole scene had a pretty epic build-up – like you just knew some serious shit was about to go down. There was also some huge significance to the song that kicked it all off when Catelyn looked up to the balcony. The song is called The Rains of Castamere and I’ll let Wikipedia explain the rest.

The Rains of Castamere was a song written about Lord Tywin Lannister’s crushing victory over rebellious House Reyne of Castamere and the destruction of the House at the end of their rebellion. The song is typically sung as a reminder of the fate that awaits those who cross Tywin Lannister, or the Lannisters of Casterly Rock in general.

I kept waiting for that one-armed dude from Arrested Development to pop out and be like “And THAT’S why you never break an oath to get married!” Sadly, it never happened.

And then Arya had to watch that freaking wolf die! Poor kid. She’s gonna’ need some major therapy or else she’s going to grow up a bloodthirsty killer, hungry for revenge. Actually, I like the sound of that. Bloodthirst away, girl! Just don’t kill The Hound. You guys need to go on a sweet road trip and bond together. You can show him how to be sensitive and he can show you how to kill stuff.

After all the craziness of this episode, it was all perfectly topped off with complete silence during the credits which I thought was absolutely brilliant. But after all that, I kind of need to chase it down with, like, sixteen straight hours of cute cat videos.

While Episode 9 was pretty heavy and not at all as lighthearted as Episode 8 (largely due to the absence of Tyrion), it has me crazy excited to see where the series goes from here, but also pretty bummed that there’s only one episode left in the season.

What did you guys all think of this episode? Do you wish there were more Daenerys boobs? More Tyrion? Less fetus stabbing? Let us know in the comments. And if you’ve read the books, please don’t spoil anything for the rest of us!

(Pic via)