9 LESSONS LEARNED FROM LAST NIGHT’S GAME OF THRONES

Spoilers and intense moments of fandom ahead.

The Game of Thrones Season 4 premiere was entitled “Two Swords” and not just because of the dude-on-dude action in the beginning. Let’s recap the episode with some important lessons learned.

1. A NEW ERA HAS OFFICIALLY BEGUN IN WESTEROS.

The episode opens with Tywin Lannister melting down Ned Stark’s Valyrian sword and burning his wolf pelt. The melted steel is used to forge two new swords – one of which is given to Jaimie Lannister. Oh, and it all happens while “The Rains of Castemere” plays in the background. Saying that this scene seems a bit symbolic would be a vulgar understatement.


2. NEVER CALL A DORNISHMAN A GOAT F*CKER.

Random Lannister shmo: “Why are you wasting a woman like this on a Dornishman? Bring him a shaved goat and a bottle of olive oil.”

Followed by:

And let us not forget…

3. DAENERYS NEEDS TO GET HER SHIT TOGETHER.

We first see the Khaleesi having a hardcore cuddle sesh with one of her dragons as the other two fight over a carcass in the sky. Then they bring the carcass down and all three go H.A.M. on it. When Dany goes to pet her cuddle buddy, it violently snaps at her, nearly taking off her head. Jorah Mormont reminds her that dragons are dangerous and can’t be tamed. She asks him where Grey Worm and Daario Naharis are. Turns out, they’re gambling in a weird stand-off game of who-can-hold-a-sword-longer. Dammit, Dany, your dragons are out of control and the two main dudes of your army are gambling when they should be protecting your fine ass. Get your shit together, woman!


4. THE CASTING DIRECTOR WAS DRUNK

Yup, we got Aunt Vivian’d. Check out Daaro Naharis in Season 3.

Aaaand check out the replacement actor. You can barely tell which one is which!

“Sorry I don’t look as bad-ass as I did last season. Here’s some flowers.”


5. BITCHES BE TRIPPIN’.

Sansa Stark not only had to marry Tyrion Lannister, but she recently found out that her family was slaughtered at a certain wedding. She’s being a real drag about it and it’s kind of bringing me down. At least a drunk guy gave her a necklace.

Poor Shay tries getting kinky like escorts in Thailand with Tyrion on his new bride’s bed (scandalous!) while she’s out being depressed, but he’s just not feeling it, what with his nephew the king wanting to murder him, his wife hating him because his father had her family murdered, and Oberin Martel wants to murder anyone who’s last name is Lannister.

Then, Tyrion’s big brother Jaime tries getting kinky with his twin sister Cerci, but she’s still mad at him for getting kidnapped and taking too long to come home. Bitch be trippin’.


6. “ARYA AND THE HOUND” WOULD MAKE AN EXCELLENT SPIN-OFF SHOW

7. DON’T PISS THE HOUND OFF WHEN HE’S HUNGRY.

“I understand that if anymore words come pouring out your cunt mouth, I’m gonna have to eat every fucking chicken in this room.” – The Hound


8. DON’T PISS ARYA STARK OFF, PERIOD.

9. THENNS MAKE TERRIBLE BARBECUE GUESTS.