5 X-MEN WHO DESERVE THEIR OWN MOVIE WAY MORE THAN GAMBIT

So, Gambit, arguably the worst X-Men Character ever, will be getting his own movie in 2016. Come on, Hollywood. You can do better.

Gambit was that character from the 90’s that you only thought was cool because you were in elementary school and didn’t know any better, but then you grew up and realized he’s actually kind of a douche. Only Channing Tatum never came to that realization and kept dropping Gambit’s name in interviews when asked what superhero he’d want to play. The studios must’ve caught on and just said “Fuck it! Let’s make a Gambit movie and put Magic Mike in that shit!”

For those of you who need a quick Gambit primer, here’s the facts you need to know:

  • He’s Cajun.
  • He’s a ladies man or some shit.
  • He can charge up any object with explosive energy, but only uses playing cards and a staff for the most part.
  • He has 90’s cool guy hair kind of like grown-up Simba in Lion King.
  • His outfit is ridiculous. I get the trench coat, but what is that weird face mask that only covers his forehead, chin and cheeks? And what the eff is that pink armor shirt thing even doing with its life!? Learn how to dress, weirdo!

So in a nutshell, fuck that guy.

There’s a heaping plethora of mutants in the X-Men universe, so this is by no means a definitive list or ultimate “Top 5” sort of thing. Just some cool dudes and ladies who would be awesome to see in their own flicks.

Without further ado.

MUTHAFUCKIN’ COLOSSUS, SON!

This dude is all kinds of gnarly. He’s big, he can turn his skin into metal, he fucks shit up, and he wasn’t properly represented or utilized to his full potential in the movies. 

Born on a farm in Russia, when his mutant powers first manifested, he didn’t put on a costume and hit the streets, he didn’t go on a warpath for revenge, he just helped out the peeps on his farm like a true bro. He’s basically the Good Guy Greg of the X-Men. And if you want your audience to feel for the good guy, you need to shit all over him. Just shit everywhere. Like, say, have his government murder his parents and kidnap his sister. Because that’s totally what happened in the comics.

THE PITCH: Basically have it be a fish-out-of-water story about a small-town Soviet farm-boy who gains amazing powers to take care of the people he cares about most, but he gets pulled away from his roots when his help is needed in the states. Add in a love interest and reveal that the mysterious threat was really someone from his past the whole time and he has to go back home to save his sister and shit. Damn I’m good at movie pitches!

KITTY PRYDE, YO!

Tired of boring white dudes dominating the silver screen? How about a feisty Jewish Japanese chick with a pet dragon named Lockheed? Hey, if a talking raccoon and a tree can dominate the box office, then Kitty has a chance! She’s a super-smart genius who can phase through solid matter, has been a S.H.I.E.L.D. agent, helped found the British super team Excalibur, did I mention that she has a pet dragon? She also eventually becomes BFF’s with Colossus’s sister and even hooks up with Colossus himself before dating Starlord from Guardians of the Galaxy.

THE PITCH: We start off seeing the smarty-pants tween Kitty in a Doogie Howser-esque montage of grade-skipping smartypantsedness. Definitely gotta’ throw in some crap about her dad being in the Yakuza, if we can get her to space at some point to pick up her pet dragon, that’d be cool, but we can always drop hints to tease the audience, and not actually have it happen until the sequel.

HEY ASSHOLE, IT’S X-23!*

She’s a clone of Wolverine, but the scientists at clone factory must’ve fucked up because she’s A.) a chick and B.) only has two claws per hand. She was originally created for the animated kid’s show X-Men: Evolution, but her comic book persona is all gritty and assassiny. She’s one of those characters who kinda’-sorta’ starts off as a bad guy, but then turns into a good guy and stuff.

THE PITCH: Scientists create X-23 who wears leather and proceeds to fuck shit up for a solid 120 minutes whilst looking sassy.

NIGHTCRAWLER –  BAD ASS MOTHER FUDGER

Everyone’s favorite BAMF! He’s a cool looking blue devil who teleports around leaving a clouds of brimstone all over the place. His mom is Mysique, his dad is Azazel, and he was raised by Baverian circus gypsies. That alone with no dilemma or antagonist would be worth watching.

THE PITCH: Let’s make this shit real atmospheric. Get the guy who directed Hannah to do it because that movie was gorgeous. There needs to be a theme of outcasts and acceptance, but really cool fighting and mutant power scenes. Give the action scenes pretty colors like Push and there needs to be at least one fight scene in a super pretty old Catholic church (because Nightcrawler’s Catholic) with a sweet giant stained glass window which will inevitably be shattered in slow motion against the moonlight.

HOPE SUMMERS, DAMMIT!

Okay, this is just a cop-out to get a movie with Cable and Bishop. See, in the comics, this thing called the Decimation happened where Scarlet Witch turned all but 198 mutants on Earth into regular humans. Hope Summers is the first mutant born after the Decimation and it’s kind of a big deal. Cable comes from the future and is all like “This baby will save the world one day!” and then Bishop comes from a more distant future and is all like “This baby is gonna’ destroy the world. KILL IT!”

What ensues is a time-jumping game of cat-and-mouse that leads to Cable raising Hope as they hop through time

THE PITCH: The Road, with time travel. Have Cable be the grizzled soldier who isn’t used to showing affection, but then he starts to care for this kid that he has to save and raises her and it’s all sweet, but then there’s cool sci-fi stuff and action too. We can get Cable and Bishop’s backstories in flashbacks for, like, substance or whatever. Then have the post-credits scene show the Phoenix Force and lead up to Avengers vs X-Men. Boom! Money in the bank.

You know what? Eff it. Just turn this into a movie.

NYX

Did you know there are actually mutants in the Marvel universe who have NOTHING to do with the X-Men!? NYX was awesome at reveling in this fact. And Josh Middleton’s art is amazing! It also marks X-23’s first comic book appearance and it’s not your typical superpowered hero bullpoopoo. Just a bunch of messed up and homeless mutants dealing with their shitty sex, drugs, and violence fueled lives. The main character can also freeze time and can break peoples bones as she so much as touches them while time’s frozen. Pretty cool stuff.

THE PITCH: Stick as closely to the source material as possible and just don’t fuck it up.

So that about wraps it up. What mutants would you like to see get their own flick? Let us know in the comments!

*I’m sorry I called you an asshole. I just get really excited about comics.